The Velluvial Matrix

Having starting my 10^th week in PUGSOM, to be honest I would be lying if I said I expected everything that I have experienced thus far. Frankly speaking, having passed Anatomy Module and Foundations in Public Health Module in a whiz, I never expected time would pass by so fast and so meaningfully. Knowing that what you are learning now will make sense in the future, and knowing that you are actually in the good hands of really good lecturers is reassuring, despite tonnes of workload that you have to overcome.

In midst of complaining / whining of how busy things are and how stressful life is : something impressed upon me – the Velluvial Matrix.

It was the title of one of Stanford’s commemoration speech, handed out to us as reading materials by Dr. Sanjay, our module leader for the leadership and teamwork intersession. For your information, it is the first module we were being taught when we first entered PUGSOM. I never know that I would appreciate this article this much till the point that I realize that that article really makes sense. To quote :

‘You are joining a special profession. Doctors and scientists, we are all in the survival business, but we are also in the mortality business. Our successes will always be restricted by the limits of knowledge and human capability, by the inevitability of suffering and death. Meaning comes from each of us finding ways to help people and communities make the most of what is known and cope with what is not.'

The information for one to contain is just too much. No matter how much an individual shines, there are still things that cannot be done alone. More importantly I start to realize that this is particularly true in the field of medicine, whereby cooperative efforts from each professional individual is more important than that individual who shines alone out there. Speaking in more layman terms, medicine is definitely not like what you see in “House” the television series. Nevertheless, each of us, about to enter the medicine profession should strive our best – to be as thirsty as possible in our quest for learning, and learn – not for the sake of getting a first in the class, but to learn for the sake of our patients.

I am glad, to be at the right place. Whenever I question my purpose of giving up working and having a life ; and enrolling into a medical school instead, having been in this very school justifies all my actions. I am really grateful for all the teachings provided, and I am really glad that whenever I am lost, I am ever guided with principles of good medicine – with trust, compassion and integrity as guidelines and good academic teachings I am pretty confident I am at the right spot , at the right time.

I never expected all these , 5 years ago. As they say, I think it is serendipity that brought me here. 

So, what now ? This is a question that I have been constantly asking myself, and yet I know that it is I, who is responsible to seek out for the answers. Having finished my undergraduate degree in Imperial, there was no sighs of relief, nor signs of joy, much to my surprise. But echoes of questions , questioning my purpose of being, questioning about the future, questioning of what might happen and what might not - surfaced, and re-surfaced constantly. I know, it is the mind's old tricks again. Trying to cast doubts when I should be staying strong. Trying to propose an alternative view to what seemed solid / valid. I am still trying to peek beyond the layers and layers of superficiality, and to seek the real truth. But I know that as long as I look hard enough, what I am eager to search for will be lying at the horizon, waving its hands at me. I re-read the book 'The Alchemist' again, and I am surprised that I still managed to find some source of inspiration, after 5 years when I first lay my hands on it. And here is a famous line , and my favourite line from the book : when you want something, the whole universe conspires to help you achieve it. So, I shall bid my past goodbye, and begin another journey, where more excitement and thrilling fun awaits. Goodbye to this blog, once a collector of my thoughts and memories. I send my love to everyone who reads this blog. And no matter who you are, remember to stay true to yourself. :)

do you know what it feels like to have the whole sky crumbling and heaving its heavy weight on you?

that feeling of being paralysed, gasping for air.

and i always wonder - why would it happen in the first place. why would it have to be the same person - again. but i guess, what didn't kill you, makes you stronger.

but i guess the fortunate thing is; in realty, you are still able to eat, breathe, and sleep normally despite the internal struggles.

let us hope that this too, will be over.

颜绮

颜绮，一年了。不懂何故，总觉得你未曾离开。你知道吗，偶尔想你的时候，我会打开你的面子书，看看你的挚友们留给你的留言，大家都很想你呢！你的离去，让我开始留意到了你的存在。看到了你爸爸在报纸登上的笔记，它感动了我。颜绮，你真的好坚强！

就像芷菱说，你是打不死的蟑螂；你的离去，好像是我们相遇的开始。你的文章让我看到了，你的世界，那个真正的你；我真的很希望，自己在你还活着的时候，可以用心地认识你；我崇拜你的善良，你的坚强；你就
是我的模范。 总觉得，生命的诞生，正是为葬礼的筹备.而你的离去，更肯定了我的'怪论'。倘若有一天，我离开了，我也希望自己的精神可以尚存人间，为大家谋福,像你一样，毕竟人生苦短;可以把正面的，留下给仅存的，那该多好。

真的很谢谢你，走过了我的生命。认识你，是我的福气。

[佛说，利于人，即是善；利于己，既是恶。]那么说，颜绮你真是一个大善人!希望你那大爱的精神，可以远仰!:)

http://www.guangming.com.my/node/90654?tid=3

无意中发现了颜绮的抗癌手迹，与大家共勉之。:)