学不会

有时候，真的觉得自己真的好像永远学不会。

going against all odds

i have to admit, i am currently in a very tricky situation, and this is what happens when my expectations don't meet my ability / capability.

i will have to go against all odds to reach that flickering light at the end of the tunnel.

i will be strong, and hold on to what i have always believed in.

i will be a bear lady if i have to, and watch me snarl, growl, and fight.

losing creates a winning opportunity. i believe in that :D

Without me realising, I am once again caught in the trap of uncertainties. But to be honest , why the fear, if it is the truth, and if it is destined. Don't lose yourself in times like these, ying. The happiest and most courageous ones are those who are in pursuit of their dreams, and feared nothing :)

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the dreamer and the follower

The dreamer and the follower had in each of their hands, a pot of gold.

The follower, amazed by the beauty of gold, stared at it all day and keep telling people of his pot of gold.

The dreamer, knowing that the gold being meaningless to him, threw away the pot of gold and went in search of his dreams. He saw the beauty of the world, which is definitely not limited to, only a pot of gold.

It's a short story that came to my mind before I close my eyes. simple as it is, but it is a reflection of what I feel. If asked, who am I? The dreamer or the follower?

Well, I once was both. Now, I hope I'm the dreamer. It might be a start, but let's not draw an end to it. :)

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emotion tweaks

It is autumn in London, and winter is almost approaching as the sunny days becomes increasingly gloomy.

With winter around at the corner, it is inevitable that one might experience seasonal affective disorder, which is a mild type of depression that appears only in winter, with a high prevalence amongst English population (lol)

I used to be quite sceptical about this type of depression, and uses to think that the lack of sunshine is the ultimate cause of whatever unhappiness that occurs during winter. But realising that depression being merely circuit faulty between different neural networks in different regions of the brain offers an alternative view that perhaps, it is not a big thing after all. Maybe all we need is a decreased activation of amygdala :)

Till then, stay positive. When in a situation of panic, bear in mind that they are just emotion tweaks in the brain. :D

P.s. : I hope this is not my last winter here :p

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get it right

"rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never gonna get it right."

is it true?

this is a song shared by lyn-xiu, and my heart echoes strongly with the lyrics, just like her. i guess we often think that we are alone, but we actually aren't.

i really don't care how many times it takes, as long as i get it right. :D



What have I done? I wish I could run.
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight.

the dream

i have a dream, that is unfulfilled.

i have been dreaming and imagining of it for years,

5 , 10, 20 years have passed,

it is still clenched tightly in my fist,

i often wonder why it is so hard to let it go,

perhaps this is destiny,

and the nearer it is ,

the more i shudder for fear of letting it slip away from my bare hands.

persevere i shall,

nothing shall stop me,

from realising a dream that has been waiting for me ,

for 20 years.

If - Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

this came across my mind today; which brightens up my gloomy day! :)

recent happenings

home.

i have been missing home terribly. i am having recurrent dreams of my mum, home, and whatever that lies in Malaysia, this beautiful piece of land which its peace is accentuated, after experiencing the riots that are happening in London. perhaps the riots made me miss home even more. my heart would startle, at the faintest sound of police siren; my eyes follow, wherever the police van goes, in fear that my intended destination has ongoing riots. surprisingly, i have seen a empty few police vans outside fisher hall as i leave for work at 7 this morning. 莫非是空城计？还是三十六计，走为上计？ :)

work.

i am currently working as an undergraduate researcher (rather more likely to be an ASSISTANT) in hammersmith hospital. it is not one of my most favourited campus, but i have gotten accustomed to it and have even liked it for the cheap groceries i can buy from Tesco's in hammersmith. workwise, i have been 'diligently' at work, more like a manual worker and learning stuffs as i go along. i am envious of those who are doing independent research work (which sounded so much more fun and chun), but understanding that researching on animals and humans has serious ethical issues to be dealt with, and seeing that i am enjoying both my animal part and human part of research, i have often tell myself to be content with what i have. not to mention, i was rewarded with chocolates for helping researchers with their work and the news of the stipulated increase in the amount of stipend which i am yet to receive lighten up my spirits a little. 3 weeks more. i will definitely miss this place by then.

life over here, in short, is peaceful. each day is merely a repertoire of work, reading/ watching movie/ facebooking/ chatting/ travelling (occassionally). on an honest account, my life here is boring i have to admit, with the separation from friends and family, loneliness does creep in at times. it definitely does not sound extremely wonderful, but i truly appreciate for what is given and try to make the best out of it. it is after all, the art of life, to see through the complexities in life, and to view it in the most simplest form, its most purest form. And then, to embrace it with the most determined manner, to make a difference.

impermanence

life is a shapeless shifter.

your actions determines your future .

what you have at the present,

you might lose it at another moment.

of all evils,

ignorance is the gravest of all.

stop treating people like fools,

or otherwise you might lose what you have at the present.

happy mother's day

thanks mum. happy mother's day.

i'll try my best, to make you proud.

u're the best thing in my life. <3

a tiny reminder to myself: when you want to achieve something, the whole universe conspires to help you achieve it. even when the people around you have failed you, or you might have failed yourself even, but the universe will never ever give up on you when you don't give up.

织梦

织梦的日子早已过去，是时候该逐一实现了。

colourblind

a nice song that got me caught whilst reading for humanities :)
never knew overtone is soooo amayzzing!!

thorns vs. stones

i have to admit, i am not that much of a hedonistic person these days. perhaps life has toughened me up a bit, and i somehow realised that pleasure is not the ultimate happiness. and being constantly happy is not a good thing. and this view shall lead to a conversation i had with vonne yesterday.

so it was a ji mui session, where htht was the ultimate goal of us meeting up. so i told her about the uncertainty of my future, my worries and my doubts. i was at a junction where i couldn't decide which path should i embark upon.

and the advice she gave was, which i am more than glad to share:

so she said:
'get your direction. you are at a point where 2 roads diverge and you don't know what to choose. one has stones, and the other has thorns. so you are considering the implications of both the stones and the thorns, and considering both doubles the worry you have. take your pick. stones or thorns? '

so that was what she told me.

sometimes, life is too overwhelmed by stressful events that the future becomes a blurred picture. but, just like the fog in the mountain; the mountain is always there no matter what. all we need, is just a slap right in your face by your BFFs to shout to you : HEY, WAKE UP!!

and yeah, so thanks vonne. it was a good piece of advice and i do heart you and you do know it :)

p.s. thorns or stones, that's my pick and i'll overcome 'em one by one. so this brings back to the hedonistic view :)

hello march

with spring lurking around the corner, my happiness within is inexplicable.

finally, there has been sunshine for 2 or more than 2 consecutive days and it makes travelling to hospitals for lectures more desirable.

time is a speedy, silent traveller.

surprisingly, it IS NOW the month of March which is the equivalent to exams and deadlines. and oh dear, i still have tonnes of pending workload. well, i believe i will have to work anyhow, however, i would rant once in a while, to ease the stress.

3 weeks more and i'm home. MALAYSIA!! love love love xxx

spiral

it is a spiralling staircase without an end.

you are so busy that you don't even have time to stop and think.

when you finally have some time to take a breath,

you caught a glimpse of your thoughts,

spiralling downwards, and you're trapped .

deeper and deeper.

the more you struggle, the greater the trap.

then you realised : you need a break, a form of release.

and how soothing it is. :)

midnight rambles

yes i shamelessly admit that i am a lazy blogger.

but as bad a person is, there will be some moments of remorse and this moment just came to me and i decided to do something about it. so here's a quick update from me:

my parents are coming !! and you can imagine the little girl inside me screaming hooorah which can be heard blocks away :) yes. I am super-excited-about my parents coming over!! deep down inside i know i am bad daughter for ridiculously allowing my parents to fly all the way from msia to find me, and yes i think i made insatiable demands (oh well, sort of) but my conscience keep telling me it's alright !! (and i think that is the wrong bit which i admittedly deny)

hrmm, so it is time for me to be spoiled and pampered by the most amazing mum on earth, at least for a few days before reality hits back again. i can't wait for hugs and kisses, cookies, milo to be delivered to be by my most favourite person(s) on earth. X)

i do consider myself a lucky girl, all the time. and i do count my blessings. :D

i am looking forward to a "dopamine-endorphine-serotonin-hypersecretion week"!!

random thoughts: barricades are non-existent. they are just formed by our perceptions. if you hit something, re-route and you'll find your way. :)

i know i'm rambling nonsense. it's late night now. :D

forgiving

if i did not forgive,
i should be untrue to myself,
in that i should thus act as if i were not guilty in the same way as the other has been guilty to me.

i must forgive the lies directed against myself,
because my own life has been so many times blotted by lies;
i must forgive the lovelessness,
the hatred,
the slander,
the fraud,
the arrogance which i encounter,
since i myself have so often lacked love,
hated, slandered, frauded, and been arrogant.

i came across this from my humanities reading and i am just so impelled to share it.

forgiving, is a sort of sweetened triumph of self-sacrifice. and by forgiving, is to be just to oneself, to be sincere to oneself. don't you think so? :D

random.

i came across this when i was writing for my humanities essay:

"whenever my life has given itself out in any way for the other life, my eternal will-to-live experiences union with the eternal, since all life is one. I possess a cordial which secures me from dying of thirst in the desert of life."

interesting. if only everyone behaves that way, what a wonderful world we would be in. :)


3 more days to go and i'm free from exams!! i can't wait for this to be over :D


p.s.: bao bei i promise i'll update you soon. once my exam ends. ;)